【問題タイプ別】解決策としてふさわしくない例

ライティング・タスク2

解決策としてふさわしくない例

解決策には、実現性かつ具体性を伴うことが必要です、というお話を以前のブログでご紹介しました。今回は、受講生のエッセイの中から、解決策としてふさわしくない例をご紹介したいと思います。

受講生の回答例

以下の受講生の回答例を見てみましょう。

Research shows that children spend more hours in front of the TV rather than playing outdoors. What are the reasons for this? What measures could be taken to encourage children to spend more time outdoors?

Nowadays, an increasing number of children spend most of their free time watching TV compared to playing outside. In this essay, I will explain reasons why this tendency happens and give viable solutions.

The main reason why children these days spend more time on watching TV than on playing outdoors is that there are more TV programs which are intent for children, such as animations and entertainments. These TV programs usually include characters and actors with are extremely popular among children. This attracts children, social they tend to watch these programs for long hours instead of playing outside. In addition to this, an increase in the number o parents let their children watch TV. Most parents are so hectic with their work that they do not spend sufficient time on playing or communicating with them. In order not to be bored or fell sad while parents work, they allow their children to spend more time on watching TV.

In order to address this problem, both schools and TV companies can take actions. Firstly, schools can establish extracurricular activities. By conducting it, schools can force children to play outdoors after schools and during a break time. Furthermore, TV companies can tell the importance of paling outdoors on TV commercials by using popular and famous characters and actors among children. This encourages children to spend more their free time on play outside.

In conclusion, the reasons why children these days spend more time on watching TV rather than playing outdoors is that there are more TV programs for children as well as their parents are busier. I believe that both schools and TV companies can educate children.

いかがでしょうか?

子供達が外で遊ぶ代わりにテレビを見るようになってきているという問題ですが、解決策としてテレビ会社が子供達にもっと外で遊ぶように訴えかけるという解決策を提案しています。

これは果たして現実的に起こりそうな解決策でしょうか?もちろんアイデアとしては間違いではありませんが、やや「本当かな?」という疑問を残す内容です。説得力を持たせるためにも解決策としては、やはり以下の2点をしっかり確認しておいてください。

  • 実現性があるもの(本当にできそうなのか?)
  • 具体性があるもの(どのように実行するのか?)

受講生による書き直し

上記の点を踏まえて書き直しをしていただきました。内容としてはまだ改善の余地は残りますが、リバイズ前後を比べると非常にわかりやすくなっているのがお分かりいただけるかと思います。

リバイズ後のエッセイ